Am I Gonna Eat That?

By Bruce Felps

This might be the shortest installment of White Rock’s Edge in the history of Edgedom.

But after skipping a week — did y’all even notice? — I have to call out one of you among the group.

See, a couple of weeks ago, as I waxed pathetic about PETA recognizing the two Jesuit students who rescued Emily from White Rock Lake, I mentioned a ham sandwich consumed for lunch just after speaking with Shakira, a PETA representative. I asked y’all not to mention that piggie little fact to her but sooomehooow she found out.

Uh huh, narc much? Yeah, you know who you are.

I don’t care package

Anyway, a couple of days later, Shakira sent me an e-mail message in which she gently — and there’s a departure for PETA — chided me for eating Babe. She wanted to introduce me to the marvels of a vegan diet and said she’d send a package of “tasty vegan ham and vegan barbeque riblets.”

Um, there is no such thing as tasty “riblets,” vegan or otherwise. They’re either ribs or they’re not.

She likely sent the package last Thursday, but because I use a different business mailing address from my home address I didn’t pick up the package until yesterday. Shakira dutifully packed the pork-like elements with those plastic freeze-y blocks with the blue liquid in them.

By the time I retrieved the bubble wrap, the alleged meat had turned gonzo. So, the answer that that question posed in the headline is, “Oh hell no.” Even frozen-thawed-rancid plant particles can cause severe gastrointestinal slop.

My nose have me that head’s up when I opened the package, but I do have two plastic freeze-y blocks with the blue liquid in them in my freezer, so thanks.

Changing topics, switching frequency

Speaking of head’s up, this little pile of prattle will cease to be weekly and move to a monthly schedule — save for one more to come this month as this little community news site marks another milestone.

I know, your weekly reading pleasure just crashed and burned, much like Tom Leppert’s senatorial campaign soon will. Oh, did I just say that out loud?

Buck up, little soldier, you’ll find a way to cope. No, not you, Tom.

Bruce Felps owns and operates East Dallas Times. Ya know, he might be persuaded to stick with the weekly schedule if …


  1. gabriela

    Information is power — people can’t stand it! they gotta do something with it. . . honestly!

  2. Renegade

    I’m sure your sandwich was from a free-range feral hog who was coming right for you and your family, leaving you no choice but to defend yourself against a 200-pound porcine onslaught.

    In other news, Shakira? Really? Wow!

  3. I haven’t even had time to read yesterday or today, but I saw you wonder out loud if anyone noticed you didn’t do your thing last week. Well, I did. First I was looking around trying to figure out what that big sucking sound was, then I realized it was caused by the vacuum created by your negative space!

    Read tonight. Go take a live, male cricket to replace the little guy that got squished at one of my schools, right now.
    Ah, the Science Lady’s work is never done…

  1. 1 Bringing Up Baby « East Dallas Times

    […] Emily’s saga also attracted national attention — and deservedly so — when PETA awarded her rescuers with certificates of mammal merit. I. one the other hand, as chastised for eating a ham sandwich. […]

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